There they are with their fucking books and pens.
Writing shaky sentences with words that don’t have weight,
Things that lack any punch or Taste
Can’t even muster up any hint of HATE
It’s all pale and colorless.
… Right?
That’s what I’ll tell myself, anyway.
.......
See I used to be pretty good myself.
Words would just flow like like the tides rolling in,
Cold and merciless and unasked for,
Splashing against the poor unprepared me who was just digging his toes into the cold sand,
Knocking me over.
And what else could I do but taste the failure sewn in the water’s salt and let myself be carried out to sea,
Kicking out as I mastered a doggy paddle.
I was lucky.
Most feel the lapping of the water at their ankles and run back to the dry sand,
Or Immediately start to sink,
But after being carried out,
I knew I could do it,
Buoyed by the weightlessness of how hollow I was in my youth,
The purity of an empty plastic bag--
...not a pretty image...
--Detritus like all the rest,
But at least unaware of that fact
And dimly yearning to be something more.
Words Written over Coffee inspired by the Siren Songs of the Deeper Waters,
Emulating the greats whose influence was felt like massive ripples trying to drown me,
But I endured.
And they made me better in the end,
...
Acknowledging that em-betterment is scary,
Accepting that I'm ready to try a backstroke,
Ready to abandon the Shallows…
But damn,
Is it satisfying to make the switch.
Yet here I am.
Bitching about the form of everyone else who’s attempting to write.
Reading the forums and blogs instead of writing,
Reacting to honesty with snide and spite,
And why?
Because it’s easier to strike out then try,
Too scared of people like myself to make an attempt at anything extraordinary.
Too worried about sinking to Swim Down any more.
Happy to head back to shore with the rest of the world,
Home to Harbours where there isn’t the Love of the open water,
But the Hate and resentment of those who tasted the Salt and were too scared to keep going.
Lifeless because I am,
Pale and Colorless because that’s what is left of my complexion,
My own stench steals the taste,
And all the Hate is held tightly by me;
There is none left to share.
Wow Michael, this was seriously really good. I love how much of your genuine voice is in it. And "There they are with their fucking books and pens" is a superb opening line for a poem (that whole opening stanza is great). I'm gonna elaborate on some of what I like about it, then launch into constructive criticisms.
ReplyDeleteI love how you compare the writing-inspiration we have when we are younger to tides that are "cold and merciless and unasked for". And how you said you could withstand these tides because of "how hollow you were in your youth". It's a profound insight that is awesome to realize within yourself and you said it very well.I find it is true for me as well.
I like the contrast at the beginning of the fourth stanza: You are writing over coffee, but receiving inspiration from the ocean. Cool!
The honesty in the last two stanzas is really good and it has the power to wake anyone out of hypocrisy.
The last two lines are also superb. Please, Michael, share some of your Hate with us! Especially if it results in more writings like this one. I seriously love this poem.
Now, two constructive criticisms:
1) If you shorten some of these lines, it will make them easier for readers to absorb. You are using a lot of complex imagery here, and if you break it into little chunks it is both easier to read and more of a poem. Remember, too, that sense you are writing in free verse (my favourite kind of poem!) that you can break it up however you please.
An example a long line that could be broken up:
"Splashing against the poor unprepared me
who was just digging his toes into the cold sand".
2) A little grammatical things: "Buoyed by the weightless" should be either "Buoyed by the weight" or "Buoyed by the weightlessness", depending on what you are going for. I think "weightlessness" is what you mean. Either one works.
I am going to leave this exact comment on blog spot because my 2+ years of experience with blog spot tells me that comments increase a post's traffic. I am also going to post a link to your blog as a post on my blog and also put the link to your blog in the links section. It would be awesome if you did the same by putting up a link to my blog (Here is the link: http://theadventuresofdylan.blogspot.com ) - us up and coming writers gotta help each other out grin emoticon .
Anyway, Mike, I am super excited by this and look forward to all the other writing that will appear on this blog in the future.