Burden

(Heavily inspired by the Baxter Anthology. Go listen to that.)

Troy thinks if he puts all his problems inside the same bucket he’ll be fine as long as he never knocks it over. But he’s going to learn that all the bad things in the world cannot be contained like that forever. Troy’s not going to notice them spilling over the buckets lip, one by one, as they slink back to the corners of the room. Troy’s not going to notice them taking over. He’s just going to keep trying to put them back inside.

Try to make sense of how I feel

Try to make sense of everything real

Try to make sense of how I feel

Can't believe in anything real

-Baxter

This One’s on R Kelly

Cylindrical lifestyle choices have left me hoping that repeating the same questions are going to get me different answers. My Dad did the same thing, and now here I am.

Best I can do is try out different vocal inflections, put my emphasis on different syllables, but I guess I already know how it’s going to end. These exercises are entirely for me, internally. The saddest circle jerk is the one with yourself.

That's a nasty cut that you've got from me

I think I'll do it again

Save my friends

These are my friends

That you can't have

You'll never touch me

-Baxter

Attempt

I’m the king of self sustain, and self defense. What I do to stay alive is desperation, cling to your anchors so you’ll at least reach the bottom safely. I am Icarus, and I melted my wings on purpose, before I ever left the ground.

I can’t decide if I’m watching the people still flying with more envy or malice. Am I jealous of their heights or excited to watch them fall? Or maybe it’s just awe: appreciation of the attempt.

I wish I had a reason to hate your guts

because then I would be right and you'd be wrong.

I can't remember a time when I was free

of these thoughts that entangle me.

-Baxter

I’ve Watched You

Watching and waiting are my acting and doing. The best way to I’ve found to do anything is vicariously through you.

Wish I had a way to control you, though, because you’re doing it all wrong. I want to do all the things you don’t, but then you always seem to pick the right path after all. It’s infuriating.

Back in high school I was so sure that I had it figured out. And here we are. So you’re right after all, and I am what happens to excess friends who lose their way. Well, fuck you. I am friendship left to fester, and the rapid expansion of my disdain has me turning tumorous, and malignant. I’m attached to you and taking you down with me.

But you’ve always been so goddamn nice that I’m left feeling bad about it.

Well up until right now I've been ok.

Sky fell, then came the pain.

If only this weren't true.

If only this would change.

-Baxter

Hope in Time

Bide my time, because there’s an end to everything. I know that I’ve been negative lately, this awful kind of angry, and I’m sorry, because it’s unwarranted and you bear the brunt of it. So, I’m going to wait it out. Can you stay as long as it’ll take?

I am good company when I am anyone other then the person I am currently, and I think you know that there’s still hope for me.

can you recall,

sweet scents that brings you back to a life,

a life worth living... today?

-Baxter

Second Degree Burn

I’m in it for the slow build.

Because I like to watch the water begin to bubble, just before it boils.

I like waiting for the pay off of all the dark clouds; I’m in it for the rain. I mentioned a cylinder before, and I believe that the dark side of it is worth pushing through, to get back to the better half. I may not mention that while I’m trudging through it, but it’s always there in the back of my mind.

I know that all we’re gonna remember is the bad times when it’s all said and done, because of how the human mind works. How it’s going to dwell on all the shitty things. But I’m writing this down, and saying it to myself, because I want you and me to know that there’s all the good things under there, that we never really focused on.

I want to remember the 4 am take out during exam week favourably; I want to remember the tv shows we watched; not for all the time we wasted, but all the times we spent together. I want to remember rock bottom as the spot where I decided to finally get back up, instead of the spot where I had fallen to.

I want to remember you agreeing to come with me, and not the part where you decided to leave.